This week’s Nightshift recap is brought to you by the Church Of Scientology. You can take the first step towards selling your soul to L. Ron Hubbard right now by visiting www.scientology.org. Before you click on the link, you must answer “yes” to each of the following questions:

1) Is your life lacking direction?

2) Are you a popular entertainer looking to spend some of your extra cash on E-meters?

3) Did you see the movie “Battlefield Earth”?

4) If you did, is it because the thetans that make up the majority of your physical form make you?

I know I eliminated 99.99% of the earth’s population with the third question.

5-11-00: If it’s 4:08 a.m. and you’re hearing the souful song stylings of Byron Saunders, you must be listening to Niteshift. Now that the phone screeners at WNEW are doing their job, it’s Yoda’s favorite show, too.Your hosts this week are Mike Sargent, Byron Saunders and Gabrielle Gabrielle. After forty minutes of serious discussion about the mayor and police commisioner’s impending bouts with prostate cancer (set to Culture’s haunting “Chicken Titty”), it’s time to find out what everyone else thinks of the mojo/planetary alignment/mutual emasculation theory. The age of mysticism and wisdom has begun. What will the future bring?

Segment One: Open Phone Lines

– Jeff calls in for a little Gab bashing

-Gab takes the listening audience to the bathroom.

-A caller suggests that Rudy has created the cancer story to avoid running
against Hillary.

–Redban asks why the Guiliani cancer story is being followed so closely by the national media.

– Gab submits the “Life Is Like Ghostbusters Two” collective mojo theory.

Segment Two: Life Is Like Science Fiction

-Resarch reported Wednesday (5/10) shows that people who have difficulty understanding words are better than most at spotting liars.

-“Niteshift: So Many Ways To Say Hello” t-shirts will be available on QVC shortly. Each shirt will come with a free limited edition Sammy Sosa rookie card. Be dialing!

– Unexpectedly high levels of radioactivity from the 1986 Chernobyl nuclear accident still remain in Northern England and Norway

-Japnese police raided a campaign boat owned by Greenpeace in connection with the recent arrest of of three foreign members of the environmental group.

– The FDA has approved two new saline breast implant brands.

– Virgin olive oil applied to the skin after sunbathing could protect against skin cancer.

– Redban (http://www.redban.com) calls again to discuss Napster.

-Drugs that block the effects of a gene could prevent opiates from from becoming addictive while still retaining their pain-killing properties.

– Scientists urge British government to curb the use of cellular phones by young children.

– The World Bank is s preparing new strategies to integrate evironmentals concerns into its developmental projects.

– Researchers have finished a crucial step mapping the genes of a highly resistant strain of bacteria.

-Mike gives an extremely positive review of “Gladiator” and totally scorches “Battlefield Earth”.

-“Gab Playing With Her Cat” Joke #576

– Is that “Jump Around” I’m hearing in the background? “Niteshift: Where House of Pain Lives” t-shirts will come with a Jeff Juden rookie card.

Mike and Gab give a quick endorsement of “Never Been Kissed” starring Drew Barrymore and we’re out.

-Joseph412-